


An al Quolanudarian Vampire in The Bronx

by Interrobam



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Femdermo, Holidays, La Noche Buena, Meet the Family, POV ur tía asks ¿Y tu novio? and u accidentally look at ur herbo vampire boss, Pining, de la Cruz Family, please just let Guillermo eat Tamales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28179075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Interrobam/pseuds/Interrobam
Summary: Nandor spends La Noche Buena with the de la Cruz family. Whether Guillermo wants her there or not.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 19
Kudos: 27
Collections: non-denominational winter celebrational fandom gift exchangional extravaganza





	1. ¿Ya saludaste?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nandors Wizard Hat (enter_the_gloaming)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enter_the_gloaming/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set some time after "Collaboration." Translated Spanish dialogue is indicated by « » rather than " " Accountability Disclaimer that I am not Latinx nor fluent in Spanish-- hopefully I didn't do too bad a job here.
> 
> I hope you enjoy your present, Em! It uh, kind of got out of hand in terms of word count. I broke it into chapters so I can post them as I complete it-- that way you'll have at least 2k to read now, and hopefully the rest of it by the end of the Posting Period.

“I am thinking that you have forgotten, Guillermo, that I was the leader of my country,” Nandor chastised her familiar, emphasizing her words with a scoff and a shake of her head. “I am _very_ charismatic. Do you think they are giving countries away to just anyone?” she asked, then slammed her fist into her open palm before Guillermo could even open her mouth. “No! One must _earn_ the leading of a country. Your every word and deed must be instilled with such authority and magnetism that warriors flock to enter your service, that peasants beg to fill the ranks of your citizenry, that women cast themselves at your feet and plead to warm your bed. I would never have risen to be ruler of al Quolanudar, had I not known how to charm commoners whenever it proved necessary.”

Guillermo thought about pointing out to her Master that being dumped by all thirty-seven of her wives and subsequently chased out of her country by mobs of furious citizens suggested that Nandor may not have held all _that_ much sway over the hearts of her subjects. But over a decade of service as Nandor’s familiar had taught her enough about the vampire to know that there was no way that conversation would go anywhere productive, so she didn’t even try.

“I’m just saying that this might be a situation where it is better to just… keep things low key,” she replied instead-- mentally pleading to the Virgin, baby Jesus, God, fate, the universe _itself_ , that Nandor would understand. “There’s no reason for you to be concerned about dazzling anyone, okay Master? Just stand by the wall and hang out,” Guillermo pleaded. She wanted nothing more dearly than for Nandor to be so boring, so uninteresting, so mundane that her family would overlook her presence completely.

There was a significant portion of Guillermo’s brain which was well aware that there was no chance in hell anyone in her family was going to _overlook_ the six foot two Persian warrior queen she was bringing over to her mother’s apartment on Noche Buena two hours late, but she was ignoring that part right now. 

Guillermo really should have been more suspicious of the laid back response Nandor had had to her request to take her weekly night off early for a family gathering. She’d sulked a bit, sure, but she had eventually deigned to allow it. Guillermo had been pleasantly surprised by her Master’s maturity. But then she had discovered (about five hours ago) that Nandor had only permitted this change in routine because she expected Guillermo to bring her too. Nandor had been adamant that Guillermo either attend the event in her company or remain at the house and forfeit her night off that week. Guillermo might have chosen that option, except that she had already missed the past ten Noche Buenas, and she had sworn on her life to Amá and Xiomara that she was actually going to really attend this year’s party, for _real_ this time. (It was funny how luring virgins to certain doom barely registered as a blot on her conscience anymore, but the prospect of making her mother cry could still sent her into a tailspin of guilt.) 

So here they stood, Master and familiar, in front of the door to Amá’s apartment. 

Guillermo sent one last desperate and undeserved prayer to Mary and then knocked on the door.

Her cousin Manuel opened it, his eyes lighting up at the sight of her.

“It’s Memo!” he called over his shoulder, turning back with a grin that faded slightly when he looked at Nandor. “And it is also… some viking lady...?”

“Greetings mortal. You shall grant me entrance into your abode,” Nandor intoned, waving her hand in an attempt at hypnosis.

“Uh,” Manuel said, distinctly not hypnotised. He stepped out into the hall, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him. «¿Who is this?» he asked Guillermo in an undertone, giving Nandor an evaluating glance. Nandor frowned down at him, rocking impatiently back onto the heels of her boots.

“Nandor is, she’s someone I know from... work,” Guillermo answered awkwardly. «I texted Amá about her. She said it was alright to bring her.» 

Manuel hummed in consideration before turning his suspicious gaze to Guillermo, opening his mouth to say something. 

«¡Aye! Take your butts inside quickly, ¡you’re letting all the heat out!» her sister Xiomara’s voice called from inside the apartment. Nandor leaned around Manuel and tried to stick her arm through the gap in the door, smirking when her limb crossed the threshold unimpaired by supernatural resistance.

“Whatever that was, it counted,” Nandor noted triumphantly, pulling the door open further to accommodate her broad form and then striding into the apartment. Guillermo made to follow, only to have Manuel step into her path.

“Are you guys…?” Manuel whispered, trailing off before making Vs with the first two fingers of each hand. He interlocked and wiggled them, raising his eyebrows. Guillermo flushed and slapped her hand over the crude gesture.

“Shut up,” she hissed.

“I won’t tell!” Manuel promised. “It’s just... she’s a bit obvio, no?”

Guillermo refused to dignify that with a response, shouldering Manuel aside and entering the apartment. She scanned the space in search of Nandor and spotted her standing by a wall, which hopefully signified that she was taking Guillermo’s pleas to keep a low profile to heart. The vampire was carefully scrutinizing the pictures hung there while Guillermo’s relatives unsubtly scrutinized her in turn. Guillermo counted herself fortunate that the young ones were preoccupied with their toys elsewhere, and the older relatives laid out and drowsy from gorging themselves on heavy food and warm ponche, as they would otherwise probably be far more actively nosey.

«¡My Memo!» Guillermo’s mother exclaimed, coming forward and embracing her in a tight hug that seemed to last several minutes before pulling back. «¿What happened? You were supposed to arrive so long ago.»

“Sorry Amá. We, uh, we missed the ferry,” Guillermo said. That was basically true, given she certainly hadn't caught the one she’d planned to be taking before Nandor revealed she expected to be included in the de la Cruz festivities. “And then the subway got stuck underground, uhm, for a while,” she added, leaving out that ‘a while’ had been much closer to two minutes than an hour. 

«Poor baby,» her mother clucked. «I am glad that you arrived safe at last.»

“Me too. I really am sorry, Amá. I wish I could have gotten here earlier.” Guillermo definitely wasn’t lying about that. 

The full truth was that arriving late had been partially out of necessity (entirely avoiding the decidedly vampire-unfriendly tradition of attending midnight mass) and partially due to Nandor’s peculiarities (she had taken twice as long as usual to dress, mostly because she kept switching between two seemingly identical capes, and because Guillermo had needed to convince her it was inappropriate to show up to a party with seven daggers ostentatiously strapped to her body, no matter how jewel encrusted they were). But she was sad to have missed the presents, and she really would have liked to have been here for dinner. 

She supposed missing the feast was good in that it was one less potentially vampire-outing obstacle to navigate, but it was also bad in that, well, Guillermo was basically starving right now. While the instant ramen her Master had procured for her was certainly nicer than ice chips, it meant she had been eating almost nothing _but_ instant ramen for the past two weeks. She had really been looking forward to her aunts’ and mother’s cooking, but given that even her ravenous teenage cousins looked stuffed to the gills the pozole and bunuelos were probably long since scarfed down, and the tamales packed away in the fridge as leftovers. She hadn’t eaten since lunch, as she’d wanted to save up room for as much home cooking as possible.

“I don’t suppose you could be persuaded to let me scavenge a tamale or two from the fridge?” she asked tentatively. 

«¡Don’t be absurd! I saved a plate just for you, my daughter,» Amá replied. «All of your favorite dishes, as well as a cup of champurrado of course.» Guillermo could have wept from gratitude. «You can have some after you have said hello to everyone...» Guillermo could have wept for an entirely different reason. She didn’t know what madness had possessed her to think she’d be able to bypass the Traditional Noche Buena Gauntlet of Greetings and just get right to eating just because she’d arrived when the party was nearly over. «...and introduced me to your friend there. I am sure we can find something for her to eat too,» her mother added, gesturing towards Nandor. _Shit_ , Guillermo thought. 

“Nandor is, uhm, she actually can only have liquids, actually,” she said.

«She…» Amá began, looking Nandor over. The vampire did not look much like someone who subsisted on an all liquid diet, unless perhaps the liquid in question was protein shakes. «We still have some ponche, ¿I think?» she hesitantly offered.

“She has food allergies, also,” Guillermo blurted. “Like a lot of them. And she ate before we got here.” (Amá didn’t need to know that what Nandor had eaten was a lost tourist and a cop watching for turnstile jumpers.) “She’s super stuffed, couldn’t eat, er, drink a thing.”

«Ah, well then…» Amá trailed off, obviously grappling with the urge to offer the vampire food anyway. «To be certain, I will ask her once you introduce us,» she concluded with a sunny smile, making her way over to the vampire, Guillermo following at her heels.

“Amá this is... Nandor, who I know from work,” Guillermo supplied ineffectually once they’d arrived at her Master’s side, gesturing towards the vampire. Nandor appeared not to have heard her, or perhaps to be ignoring her. “Nandor, meet my Am- my Mom,” she continued awkwardly. Nandor grunted, glancing aside at them briefly, then returning her attention to the photos. “ _Nandor_ ,” Guillermo prompted, mortified by Nandor’s rudeness. She wouldn’t have discouraged the vampire from using her ‘charm’ if she knew this was the alternative. Nandor looked back to her.

“This is... your mother?” Nandor asked, rubbing her chin in contemplation as she inspected the woman’s face. After a moment she lowered her hand, straightening her posture with military precision. “Greetings, mother of Guillermo,” she said, “Guillermo seems attached to you. She has been adequately reared to serve at my side. I wish that you do not die for some time.”

There was a beat of silence.

«...Memo,» her mother murmured in a tone of slight embarrassment, «¿I think I am not understanding her words...?» 

Though it was true Amá still struggled with English sometimes, in this case Guillermo was pretty sure she was understanding Nandor perfectly, just hoping desperately that she hadn’t actually say what she said. Guillermo could relate.

«It’s a traditional greeting, from where she comes from,» Guillermo improvised. «It… doesn’t translate well, but it means basically she thinks you’re a great mother and she’s wishing you health and uh, good fortune.»

“Oh! Thank you, Nandor. I am so happy to meet a friend of my daughter,” her mother said in careful English. “Can I offer you something to eat? We have plenty of tamales.”

“Kind of you to offer, mother of Guillermo, but not necessary. I have vowed not to source nourishment from this abode,” Nandor replied casually, “You and your kin are safe from my unholy hunger.”

“It is no problem, Nandor,” her mother insisted. “If you do not like tamales, Guillermo has enough pozole to share, and we have ponche and cham- uhm, hot chocolates? For drinking?”

“No,” Nandor said curtly. She made a contemplative noise, squinting carefully at the other woman. “If you are the mother…” she muttered to herself, eyes darting back to the photo wall, then widening suddenly. “Guillermo!” she cried out, snatching up and then brandishing a picture of Amá cradling a bundled infant. Nandor pointed at the baby’s chubby, somewhat disgruntled looking face in accusation. “This is you? You were a _baby!_ ” she exclaimed, as if she had just uncovered a grand deception orchestrated by Guillermo to hide the fact that she hadn’t hatched from a pod fully grown.

“Hold up, Xena Warrior Princess,” Xiomara cut in, sauntering over to the wall from behind them. «Hey little sister,» she tossed out as she bypassed Guillermo before directing her attention back to Nandor. ”That isn’t Memo, it’s Santiago.” She picked up a different frame, showing it to Nandor. “ _This_ one’s Memo.”

Nandor frowned at the proffered image.

“I do not care for this _Memo_ child, it is _Guillermo’s_ infancy which I wish to see,” she insisted. Xiomara snorted.

“That’s what _we_ call Guillermo-- Memo.” 

Nandor frowned aside at Guillermo.

“You allow your family to call you Mee-moh, and yet you are complaining when Laszlo calls you the Gizmo?” she asked in an undertone, taking the picture from Xiomara. “Seems a bit double sided.” The vampire stared at the image of her familiar at six-months old. “Guillermo, you are so very _fat_ , even from the beginning,” she marvelled.

“I think I’m going to go say hi to everyone now,” Guillermo muttered, cheeks flushed with mortification. “You can put that back now, okay?” she said to Nandor, fighting the urge to just grab the frame out of her Master’s hands and hide it somewhere.

Nandor recoiled amd clutched the picture to her chest, crossing her arms around it protectively.

“I am still looking upon it,” she protested. “I have not finished witnessing baby Guillermo!”

“Ayo Elvira,” Xiomara interjected, grinning broadly as she took out her phone. “If you want baby pictures of Memo-” 

“Oh look, it’s prima Josephina,” Guillermo blurted, pulling her Master away before Xiomara could embarrass her even more.


	2. ¿Y tu Novio?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which various relatives ask various questions and deliver various Nandor-related verdicts.

Greeting everyone at a family event was a process that normally took Guillermo at least ten minutes and involved a lot of awkward hugs and cheek kisses, some halfhearted queries about her work, admonishments that she didn’t come to celebrations more often, and the occasional fully fledged interrogation about her lack of a boyfriend. Thanks to the distracting presence of her Master at this year’s Noche Buena, it was shaping up to be an exception to this pattern, mostly because everyone wanted to know about the mysterious guest she’d brought. The fact that Nandor spent the whole process looming behind Guillermo, lurking just far enough away to make it clear she did not want to actually be involved in the conversation while still making herself impossible to ignore, wasn’t exactly helpful. Nor was the vampire blatantly ignoring questions directed her way, seeming to be more interested in the decor and pieces of colorful paper still scattered around the floor. So Guillermo tried to focus mostly on the plate of food awaiting her as she hemmed, hawed, and lied her way through a series of excruciating conversations.

«¿How did you meet her?» her cousin Josephina asked.

«I know her through work,» Guillermo replied.

«¿You finally got hired at that place, then? You were an intern there so long,» Primo Raúl noted. Guillermo cringed a little bit.

«I'm still... sort of an intern,» she admitted.

«I still think you are being scammed.» Josephina asserted. « ¿What kind of internship is lasting ten years?» 

«Eleven years,» Guillermo corrected wearily.

«¿Why does she dress like that?» Guillermo’s next conversational partner, Tío Ricardo, inquired as soon as initially pleasantries had been conducted.

«She is a small bit eccentric,» Guillermo said, making what was probably the understatement of the last three centuries.

«¿She wears that to work?»

«Yes, uncle.»

«¿Your boss allows her?» Tío Ricardo pressed, obviously unconvinced.

«Yes, uncle.»

«¿What do you do again, for work?»

«I can’t say, it is a job that has a Non Disclosure Agreement,» Guillermo replied.

«¿Is it one of those medieval times restaurants?»

«No, uncle,» Guillermo sighed.

«She is so tall,» Prima Rosa said before Guillermo could even open her mouth. «¿Does she have brothers? ¿Sisters?»

«I don't... ¿think so?» she said, realizing that she actually did not know if Nandor had ever had siblings.

«¿Does she have cousins, single cousins?» Rosa pressed.

«¿I don't really know? I don't th-»

«Ask her to set me up,» she ordered, then returned her attention to texting on her phone.

«Memo,» her aunt Gloria called, beckoning her over to the chair on which she was perched. «¿Where's the boyfriend?» she asked pointedly.

«There’s no boyfriend, auntie,» Guillermo mumbled, embarrassed.

«¿Still?» her aunt let out a sharp cluck of disapproval «¿What have you been doing all this time then? Even for a dowdy girl, it cannot be so hard to find a man. ¿Are you even looking?»

«Aye, you know, things happen when they are meant to,» Guillermo hemmed, «and I don't really get many opportunities to meet guys anyway, so,»

“What about you?” Tía Gloria asked Nandor, who showed no sign of heeding her, the vampire’s focus remaining squarely on the scrap of metallic wrapping paper she had picked up a few minutes ago. “Do you know any men who might take our Guillermo?”

“Men for Guillermo?” Nandor echoed blankly, raising her head and suddenly attending to the conversation. “I do not understand.”

“I am noting to Memo that she needs to hurry up and find a husband,” the woman insisted. Nandor’s face cycled through a series of motions which in their whole expressed a mixture of confusion, annoyance, and disbelief.

“Bah! What nonsense you speak, peasant!” Nandor exclaimed, gesturing towards Guillermo. “Have you even _seen_ Guillermo? Show me a single man who has anywhere close to a sufficient wealth of goats, none the less an adequate number of fine strong horses, to trade for her hand in matrimony. You cannot! Until a worthy suitor hurries to make of _themselves_ known, Guillermo can naught but await them. You expect her to waste her valuable time rolling into the hays with mere commoners in the meanwhiles?"

«¡How rude!» Tía Gloria remarked with a prim gasp of outrage. «You cannot listen to this insane talking my niece. You must be realistic in your standards. It is not as if you have all the time in the world, you know.»

“What is it that she has just said?” Nandor asked, hostility and suspicion written all over her features.

“Uh, she,” Guillermo stammered.

“I am reminding Guillermo that very soon her childbearing days will be long behind her," her aunt answered.

“What?” Nandor squaked. “What a ridiculous thing to say. Guillermo is _incredibly_ fecund. Her womb is as ripe as a new moon."

"She is already thirty years old!"

"Exactly!” Nandor said with a sharp nod. “She is like a baby fawn in the bloom of her youth, not even a MILF yet," the vampire asserted. “You have abysmal judgement in the desirable qualities of a woman. In the days when I ruled over al Quoulnudar, my procuress-”

“Excuse us please, Tía,” Guillermo said through her teeth, grabbing Nandor’s arm and hauling her off to the next cluster of relatives. 

Eventually Guillermo managed to make it through the conversational gauntlet and was, at last, able sit down at the kitchen table and eat. Nandor sat to her side after some dithering, giving her plate the contemptuous and vaguely nauseated look she gave all human sustenance. Guillermo hoped her mother wasn't looking their way.

“Guillermo, who were those small people?” Nandor asked as her familiar started to tuck into her food.

“You mean the little kids?” Guillermo asked around a half-chewed mouthful. “Those were my younger cousins.”

“Not _those_ small people, the _other_ small people. The ones sculpted from clay, who huddle in the little peasant hut,” Nandor said, pointing cluelessly at the ceramic nativity scene displayed on a small corner table visible from the kitchen area. Guillermo choked. “They are effigies of your dead, perhaps? Your piñata farming ancestors? You do not pay respects to them?”

“The- uh- they’re just decorations,” Guillermo rushed to explain. “Nothing important. You’re supposed to ignore them.” 

The last thing Guillermo needed was for Nandor to realize the knicknacks she was limply gesturing towards had immense religious significance. The vampire would probably hover a foot off the ground and recoil to the other end of the apartment, hissing all the while. That would be _very_ difficult to explain away. Fortunately, Nandor could be counted on to lose interest in most things rather quickly. She shrugged and turned her attention to the linoleum floor, asking no further questions about the nativity. Unfortunately, Nandor could be counted on to lose interest in most things rather quickly, and she soon was bored of the floor and began fidgeting and looking around in restless agitation, humming intermittently. Guillermo, meanwhile, was trying to return her attention to her food, but was being hampered significantly by a sudden awareness of the sheer volume of religious paraphernalia tucked away in Amá’s apartment, much of which Nandor would probably actually recognize.

“I have decided that I will inspect these premises further while you sup,” the vampire abruptly decreed, rising to her feet. Guillermo paled. She had to distract her Master somehow, but the only idea coming to her was, well, embarrassing. For a moment Guillermo battled twin desires for sustenance and dignity. Then Nandor took a step towards the hall and, as seemed to happen all too often these days, Guillermo’s dignity lost by a mile.

“Wait,” she reached out and grasped Nandor’s sleeve, “I think... Xiomara wanted to show you more baby pictures of me,” she said, feeling rather like that hiker who had to cut off his own arm to survive after he’d been pinned under a boulder. Desperate times, desperate measures. “Xia,” she called out in a wavering tone, “do you think you could, er, keep Nandor entertained? While I eat?”

“Anything for mi hermanita favorita,” Xiomara called back sweetly, with a warm smile that absolutely confirmed to Guillermo that the woman was about to show Nandor a carefully cultivated collection of the absolute most embarrassing pictures ever taken of her. She expected her highschool Emo phase would feature heavily. 

With Nandor sufficiently distracted at last, Guillermo let her focus return to her plate. She spent a few minutes just letting herself drift into the divine comfort of home cooked food, a trance in the thrall of which she remained until she saw her sister walk past unaccompanied.

«Xia, where’s Nandor?» she asked.

«Our old room,» Xiomara answered. «I was hoping to show her your old vampire movie posters, but apparently Santiago took them down as soon as he moved in. The little cousins wanted to play with her and she was willing, God have mercy on her.»

«¿You left her _alone_ with them?»

«Not alone, of course. Santiago is present. He has been brooding in there ever since midnight, that is why the aunts sent the children into the room to play in the first place. He has the chore of watching them,» her sister explained. «¿Why? ¿Is there a reason your girlfriend should not be left alone with children?» she asked suspiciously.

‘Well, she’s a murderous abomination who has slaughtered tens of thousands and lives on human blood and has like five daggers hidden underneath her coat,’ Guillermo couldn’t say.

«No, no I just, uh,» Guillermo stammered instead. « It’s just- I’m not sure she knows what she signed up for.»

«She will learn quick,» Xiomara pronounced as if calling time of death. «I notice that you do not deny that she is your girlfriend, then.»

“I- she- it isn’t like that,” Guillermo mumbled into her tamale, face burning. Something in her tone, or perhaps her expression, must have given her away-- must have left open a crack in her facade just wide enough for her sister to catch a glimpse of eleven years of longing-- because Xiomara’s smile softened and she reached out to pat Guillermo’s arm.

«Aye, poor little Memo,» she sighed. «I have to help mom clean up, but we will talk about this.»

Her promise, or perhaps her threat, hung in the air after she left the kitchen area, and Guillermo sighed and continued finishing her meal. A few minutes later one of her young cousins, Javier, came around the corner and drifted over to the kitchen table, keeping his hands behind his back as he looked up at her.

"Prima, can you bring Nandor next year too?” he whispered. “She is _so_ cool. She brought the _coolest_ toys to play with.”

 _Oh no._ "What kinds of toys?" Guillermo asked, praying it was something like tubes of glitter or Tide To Go Pens or, hell, even priceless gemstones as long as they were too big to pose choking hazards.

"I'm not supposed to tell you, it's a secret," Javier proclaimed. Guillermo put her utensils down, chewed the last bite of her food, swallowed, and then waited for the other shoe to drop. "It's a knife!" her cousin blurted, unable to restrain himself, lofting a gilded dagger. Guillermo choked. She reached out and snatched the weapon away, hurriedly tucking it into her coat. 

“Hey!” Javier protested. But Guillermo was already out of her seat and stalking over to her old room.

“Unbelieveable,” she muttered to herself. “ _Unbelieveable_.”

Guillermo stormed into the room to find Nandor dramatically posed on the ground, prone on her back, making a face of exaggerated terror and emitting strangled "aaaah" while a circle of children mimed _stabbing_ her with _daggers_. Only two of her cousins appeared to have made the choice to forgo violence, instead focusing diligently on braiding Nandor’s hair. Guillermo shut the door behind her. The children looked up at the sound, turning pale and then scrambling to hide their weapons behind them. Nandor’s head popped up-- she grinned at Guillermo in an expression of radiant pride and satisfied triumph.

"Behold Guillermo, I have won the hearts and minds of the youth! Excepting for that grumpy fellow," she pointed languidly at Santiago. "He remains stoic, but I have the numbers and weaponry to overthrow him, if it must come to that."

"You were _supposed_ to be watching them," Guillermo whispered sharply to Santiago.

"Your weirdo mental patient girlfriend was the one who wanted to get stabbed to death. I'm not going to get involved with that,” Santiago said, eyes fixed to his handheld videogame system. _Teenagers_ , Guillermo thought bitterly, and immediately felt old.

"I’m not going to be stabbed to death, silly mortal,” Nandor scoffed, dismissing the very notion with a dainty tilt of her wrist. “These are _decorative_ daggers, they are not even armor piercing. Look, the babies have been stabbing me for like ten minutes and they have not even pierced the leather of my jerkin." 

Guillermo knew that she would have no luck talking sense into Nandor, so she gave that ide up entirely and instead held her hand out and fixed the kids with her sternest stare. “Give them here,” she ordered.

"But Memo!" A chorus of squeaky voices whined.

“Give. Them. Here,” she repeated, beckoning with her open hand, “or I tell everyone’s Amás what I just saw.”

Her cousins groaned and sulked, but one by one brought their weapons to Guillermo, who stashed them inside her coat with the one she’d confiscated from Javier. Nandor rolled over to her side and rested her head upon her hand, pouting.

“You are a real stick of the mud, you know that Guillermo?” she whined. Guillermo opened her mouth to reply but was cut off by a shout from her Tía Guadalupe.

“Children, it is time for the piñata!” she called. Her cousins shrieked in excitement, immediately forgetting about Nandor and their confiscated toys and rushing to leave the room.

“ _Finally_ ,” Santiago groaned. “You get out too. I want some peace and quiet for once.”

“Pretty rude,” Nandor remarked with a frown. Guillermo grasped Nandor’s arm to help her rise to her feet, flipping her brother off behind the vampire’s back.

For the first time since handing her off to Xiomara Guillermo actually _looked_ at the state of Nandor’s hair and had to suppress a laugh. Most of it had been collected into lumpy and uneven braids, some tied with what was obviously giftwrap ribbon and others just trailing off into loosely interlocked tendrils. There were several unbraided patches that had been mussed from laying on the floor, stray hairs floating with static electricity.

“What?” Nandor asked.

“Nothing,” Guillermo snorted, her voice muffled by the hand she was keeping clamped over her mouth.


	3. ¡Dale! ¡Dale! ¡Dale!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nandor finds novel solutions to problems, establishes her prowess as a warrior of legend, and enjoys pyrotechnic glitter.

Nandor and Guillermo re-entered the common area to find half of her family gathered around the door. Tía Guadalupe was screwing the head off of their pushbroom while Xiomara made her way through the cluster of their young cousins, pulling hats over heads and checking that gloves had been properly donned. Tío Manuel was carrying the piñata under his arm. A few of Guillermo’s adult cousins, as well as two other uncles, were loitering at the edge of the group.

“Memo,” Amá beckoned, pulling her coat closed around herself. “Will you and your friend be joining us for the piñata?”

There were murmurs of excitement amongst Guillermo’s young cousins at this prospect, along with miming of stabbing. The children whispered among themselves and looked up at the vampire with glimmering curiosity in their dark eyes before Tía Guadalupe started herding them through the apartment door, using the shaft of the broom like a shepherd’s crook to guide them down the hall towards the elevator. The rest of the group trailed out in their wake while Amá looked expectantly at Guillermo.

“Er, I don’t think...” Guillermo trailed off as Nandor leaned aside and downwards so that her head was level with the human’s, her haphazard braids swinging against her shoulder, dangling from the crown of her head like wind chimes.

“The piñata sacrifice… it is not a religious ritual, is it?” the vampire asked out of the side of her mouth. 

“Sacri- no, not... really, I guess?” Guillermo answered.

“I would like to be witnessing the ritual, yes,” Nandor asserted at her normal volume, arising to her full height and throwing her shoulders back. 

“Wonderful!” Guillermo’s mother said, grinning broadly as she lofted two plastic bags containing packages of sparklers and then made for the exit. Guillermo swallowed a sigh and followed after her mother and Master dutifully.

By the time they arrived at the elevator the first party had been loaded up and sent to the ground floor, leaving a smattering of relatives that weren’t able to fit into the dingy lift waiting for it to empty out and return.

«We are very lucky to have the elevator working this year,» Amá noted with excitement. «It had been broken five months now, but they fixed it six days ago. ¡A miracle! We must use it as much as we can, it is usually broken again after two weeks.»

“Aye, Amá, let me move you to Staten Island already,” Xiomara pleaded, hands stuffed in the pockets of her coat. "The practice is going well-- what's the point of getting my DDS if you aren't even going to let me make you a lazy suburbanite."

«My friends live here daughter, and all of my doctors» her mother replied with a cluck. «It is sweet of you baby, but no.»

“Guillermo, your mother is going to move to Staten Island?” Nandor whispered, expression intrigued but otherwise unreadable. “Will she live with us?”

“I don’t think so,” Guillermo said. _Not if I can do anything about it,_ Guillermo thought. 

The elevator returned, opening with a muffled ding, and Guillermo was about to step into it when she spotted the round security mirrors in the corners of the car. _Shit_. If anyone looked into those and spotted Nandor’s distinct lack of reflection, things could go bad. Especially when she considered her Master’s variable ability to successfully hypnotize humans. 

“You know what, I actually think we’ll take the stairs,” she blurted, blocking Nandor with her arm and then stepping back.

“Memo it’s like five flights,” Xiomara said. 

“There is still room,” her mother noted, sounding concerned.

“Nandor is, uh, scared of elevators,” Guillermo said, realizing only after the words had left her mouth the foolish mistake she had made.

“I fear nothing!” Nandor proclaimed brusquely, stamping her feet. “Certainly not some loud box that falls and lifts!” she sneered.

“Right, sorry, uhm, _I’m_ afraid of elevators, actually,” Guillermo revised. Xiomara arched an eyebrow.

“Since _when_?” she asked.

“It’s a long story,” Guillermo said. Xiomara squinted at her with distinct suspicion, but the elevator doors were already closing. 

“Guillermo! You are afraid of the loud box? Why did you not tell me?” Nandor asked, sounding surprisingly worried. Guillermo flushed, embarrassed by her Master’s concern.

“I’m not afraid of the elevator, I just didn’t want to risk people noticing your lack of reflection. We’re lucky we were the only ones in the car when we took it up. It’ll be fine, we’ll just take the stairs.” With that she headed towards the stairwell, pushing the door open.

Nandor followed Guillermo to the edge of the landing, peered down over the railing. Five flights wasn’t actually that bad, considering their housing development had twenty floors. 

“Hmmph. Alright then,” the vampire turned to Guillermo. “Assume the position.”

“A- assume the-” Guillermo stuttered, grimacing and blushing at what her Master was proposing. “Master, no. There are people who hang out in these stairwells, you can’t just fly us to the bottom. Someone might see.”

“Is that so?” Nandor asked, frowning.

“Yeah. We’ll just have to walk,” Guillermo resolved, starting her trek down the stairs. “I mean, I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway, ri-“ Guillermo’s self deprecating words were cut off with a yelp as she found herself suddenly pulled back and scooped off of her feet, her Master cradling her in her arms as if she weighed nothing. Guillermo was blushing so furiously, her head buzzing with panic and gay emotions, that she didn’t even realize what Nandor was planning to do when the vampire hopped up onto the rail of the landing. “Master, Master you really shouldn’t- this isn’t necessary- you can just turn into a bat and fly down and I’ll catch up, okay?” she pleaded.

“Nope,” Nandor said simply, and stepped off the railing. 

Guillermo felt her stomach lurch up against her lungs as she and her Master abruptly dropped, letting out a shriek and clinging to the vampire as they plummeted five stories down. Nandor landed at the bottom floor with such force that the concrete cracked under her boots, thankfully bending her knees and absorbing just enough of the impact so that Guillermo didn’t get whiplash. 

“Master!” she exclaimed, aiming for admonishment but landing quite short of the mark due to an overwhelming sense of relief that she was still alive. Nandor smirked down at her, her wide mouth cutting dimples into her cheeks and wrinkles at the edges of her eyes, and Guillermo forgot what she even had to be mad about.

Nandor placed her carefully down on her feet and then strode past her towards the stairwell door.

“Hold on,” Guillermo said, moving in front of Nandor and raising her hands in placation, “we have to wait before we go out or they’re going to wonder how we got down so quickly.”

“But I did the jumping for not just the saving of your pounds but the saving of _time_ ,” Nandor said, looking put out. “Can we not simply tell them that I am very fast? That I carried you and did the joggings,” she suggested, miming a motion that looked more like cross country skiing mixed with bicycling than any form of running. 

“I don't think they're going to buy that. And me losing pounds would be a good thing, actually,” Guillermo noted.

“No it would be _not_ ,” Nandor replied stubbornly.

“Just for like a minute, okay?” Guillermo pleaded. Nandor sighed dramatically, throwing her head back, but muttered a reluctant agreement.

Once Guillermo had judged enough time to have passed as to avoid suspicion, she and her Master came out into the lobby and then into the yard of the building. When she looked around she observed that everything seamed to have been set up already. Nandor cocked her head as she inspected the piñata suspended on one of the bare branches of the courtyard tree. (Well, bare of leaves-- there were a lot of plastic bags tangled in its canopy as usual.)

“Guillermo, what is this bizarre pointed effigy?” she asked.

“It’s the piñata,” Guillermo explained.

“How can this be when it is not a colorful donkey. Explain this!” Nandor demanded, eyeing the swaying object warily.

“Piñatas aren’t only shaped like colorful donkeys, there are other types too. This one is shaped like a star,” Guillermo explained.

Nandor hummed and stroked her chin in thought.

She stood back and watched carefully as Guillermo’s family took turns at the activity, donning the blindfold and swinging the broom stick at the piñata, which the least drunk of Guillermo’s uncles were tugging to and fro by each end of a rope, the rest of the family chanting: 

“Dale, dale, dale; no pierdas el tino,

porque si lo pierdes, pierdes el camino.”

“I see... it is a ritual test of one's prowess as a warrior,” Nandor remarked with new interest. She observed the scene silently for a few more turns, giving it deep consideration. “Your small relations continue to prove themselves to be particularly ill equipped for battle, Guillermo,” she noted. “They should be kept from the front lines, as they would be slaughtered effortlessly.” 

"Well, they are little kids after all-"

“Smallness is no excuse!" Nandor decreed, pointing a finger decisively into the air. "Nor is youth. At their age I could already fell a man in his prime, and often did. I would scale them like a monkey clambering up a cypress tree and I would slit their throats. I made my littleness an asset."

“Hey Nandor, you want to take a swing?” Xiomara called out before Guillermo could reply, proffering the stick towards the vampire.

"Oh, uh, I don't think she'd really be interested," Guillermo began, but even as she spoke she knew her attempt was doomed to failure. There was only one inevitable result of Nandor being introduced to an opportunity to show off. 

“Nonsense, Guillermo! I shall show your family how a true warrior performs!” she decreed.

She strode over to Xiomara and took the pole from her. She held it like a blade, swiping it through the air a few times to get a sense of her weapon’s weight and balance.

“Guillermo, adorn me with the blindfold,” she ordered with a snap of her fingers. Guillermo retrieved the bandana in question and stood on her tiptoes behind Nandor, blushing furiously as she tied it in place and purposefully avoiding the pointed stares of several relatives.

Once Guillermo completed her duty she took several steps back, glancing around to confirm that no one was standing within swinging distance of her Master. The chant had started up again, the piñata bobbing and weaving through the air at random under the influence of her uncles.

For a few seconds Nandor stood absolutely still, stick brandished in preparation and muscles tensed. Then she moved in an instant, striking the piñata with a precise and devastating blow, with the crack of lightning splitting open a tree. Candy exploded from the shattered container, spraying the courtyard ground in a wave of colorful hail and cueing excited squeals from the children, who rushed in to claim the sweets.

Nandor ripped off her blindfold and grinned in gleeful excitement at the sight of her accomplishment.

“Behold mortals, I have slaughtered the thing which is not a donkey,” Nandor exclaimed in triumph, raising her hands and watching in delight as the kids continued to clear the ground of fallen treats. “Yes, children, feast upon it’s colorful entrails” she laughed. “For the pineta has been destroyed! Vanquished by the immortal warrior Nandor the Relentless!” she exclaimed, pointing her stick like a sword to the sky. “Even the stars cower in fear of her mighty blade!”

“Piñata,” Guillermo corrected softly, unable to hold back a smile as she watched her Master puff out her chest with pride.

“As I said!” Nandor claimed, waving her hand.

“Very impressive Nandor!” Amá remarked, clapping her hands-- at least, as well as she could through her thick mittens. Nandor preened under the praise and attention, jutting out her chin and putting her fists to the sides of her hips.

“Thank you, mother of Guillermo,” she said in what she probably considered a generously humble tone, bowing and proffering the broom shaft. After Guillermo’s mother reclaimed it Nandor straightened her posture and was promptly mobbed by children. They chattered through mushy mouthfuls of candy about how epic it had been when she cracked the piñata in twain, how cool she looked. Nandor responded to this partially unintelligible multilingual hollering by basking in the attention, crossing her arms and nodding decisively with an air of wisdom. “Yes, children, I am truly a warrior without compare, but even you weak mortal can learn such skills as can be utilized towards felling man and beast if you practice your swordcraft diligently and eat all of your veggie-tables and stack your rock pillows neatly upon your dirt beds.” She shot a grin towards Guillermo, silently bragging about her excellent role modeling.

«¡Children, let us begin the sparklers before it becomes much later!» Tía Guadelupe called. Guillermo watched as his little cousins ran over to the bench where his aunt was distributing the handheld fireworks.

Nandor looked momentarily morose at being abandoned by the children in favor of the next new shiny thing, but her curiosity quickly overtook her pouting. “What is this that they are having now?” she asked, gesturing towards the ruckus.

“Sparklers,” Guillermo replied.

“Sparklers? What are these sparklers? They are a form of the glitter?” Nandor asked, clearly intrigued as she squinted towards the group. Her eyebrows shot upwards as the first one was lit. “Oh! Like the flashing powder. How novel. Fetch them for us, Guillermo,” she ordered with a languid wave of her hand. Guillermo bit back a remark that this was supposed to be her night off and instead braved the throng to retrieve two sparklers, handing one to her Master when she returned.

Nandor pinched the base of the slender stick between the thumb and forefinger of one hand and, after a moment of consideration, flicked at it with the other, setting the tip aflame.

“Khsss-!” Nandor recoiled with the beginning of a guttural hiss as the sparkler flared to life, before adjusting to the light. She blinked a few times and let out a contemplative “ooo”, staring raptly at the fizzling sparks that leapt from the stick. She remained fixated in stillness for a few seconds before hesitantly wiggling the sparkler through the air like a wand, letting out a sharp gasp and grinning in wonder. “Behold, Guillermo, the _sparkling_ ,” she intoned in awe.

“Very cool, Master,” Guillermo replied quietly, biting down on an answering grin at the sight of her Master’s glee. Nandor hummed softly at the sight in front of her and then, assuming a sudden a look of seriousness, tilted her firework against Guillermo’s so that the human’s sparkler lit as well. 

“This was a good day off, Guillermo,” Nandor said resolutely. “I should accompany you to every day off.”

“We’ll see,” Guillermo concessed, finally surrendering to the warm smile that plumped her cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this fic was planned to be just this chapter. But then, well,


End file.
